


Incompetent HBO Employees

by kat_snow2613



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, I'm just being ridiculous at this point, Impossible coincidences, utter absurdity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 15:14:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13860393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kat_snow2613/pseuds/kat_snow2613
Summary: I realized that this was never added to Ao3, and how wrong that was.Basically, I very sarcastically imagined how many HBO employees would have to be absolutely terrible at their (highly paid) jobs for all of the Jonsa content we 'imagined' to have been an accident or coincidence.The result was ridiculous, even by my standards.This is all meant to just be fun and silly, so please don't take it seriously.It also has some anti-Jonerys tones, so if that's not your thing, please don't read.





	1. Chapter 1

Daniel Sackheim nervously bounced back and forth on his feet. “It’s fine, it’s fine, he’s a professional, a great guy. Just tell him,” he muttered, trying to reassure himself.

Kit Harington was returning to set from grabbing a water bottle. _Now’s your chance, go._

“Hey, Kit, great job in there,” Daniel said, clapping Kit on the back.

“Thanks, I think it’s going really well,” Kit said, smiling.

“It’s just that…look, I get it, there are SO MANY characters in this story, it’s hard to keep track sometimes, right? But the thing is, Sophie is playing Sansa right now, who is your sister,” Daniel said as kindly as he could.

A look flashed across Kit’s face. He didn’t just look sad, he looked like a puppy who’d been left out in the rain, watching the rest of his family eating Christmas dinner.

“I…I thought I was playing it as though she’s my sister,” he said, his puppy eyes filling with tears. Daniel was flooded with guilt.

“No! That’s not what I meant, you TOTALLY are, you’re doing great! Good job buddy!” Daniel said.

“Thanks mate,” Kit said, once again happy, as he bounced off to set. Daniel watched the actor and sighed. _Well, there goes my Emmy._


	2. Chapter 2

Molly knew that the studio in Belfast was massive, but it somehow seemed bigger when you were running through it, as fast as you could, fearing for your job. Under the wardrobe requirements for the day, it clearly stated ‘Sansa wears a cloak.’ The call had come over her walkie talkie, “We’re ready for the cloak, Molly!” She turned to look at the supplies she had for the day. No cloak. 

“Um, be right there!” she said over the walkie. She just started running. 

She burst through the door of the wardrobe department, barely breathing.

“GIVE ME A CLOAK!” she shouted, grabbing her knees and breathing deeply. Natalie, the wardrobe PA, looked confused.

“What kind of cloak? We’ve got Night’s Watch, royal, commoner–”

“ANY cloak, Natalie! A Northern one. ANYTHING!” she nearly screamed.

Natalie shot her a dirty look and handed her the first cloak off the Northern rack. Molly just turned and ran. 

Out of curiosity, Natalie checked the hanger to see what she’d given her, hoping it was something innocuous.

Shit. 

The label clearly stated: S1, JON SNOW


	3. Chapter 3

The makeup artist named Sarah looked up from her clipboard at Sophie.

“Well, we’re all set, except it says I’ve got to make sure you’ve got a manicure today,” she said, somewhat baffled.

“A manicure?” Sophie said, sipping her iced coffee. “Are my hands in the shot?” Based on a quick read of the script, she hadn’t gotten the impression her hands would be featured. 

Sarah began to work on Sophie’s cuticles. “It just says you grab Jon’s hand, and stroke your thumb over his knuckles.”

“That’s oddly specific,” she said, as Sarah rubbed her hands with lotion. Sophie decided to sit back and relax–she certainly wasn’t one to ask questions when it came to a free manicure!


	4. Chapter 4

Miguel Sapochnik entered the tent where they were well overdue to start filming. He prayed the lighting team was done, he could approve the set, and they could get started. He gasped when he entered.

“What is this? This scene is supposed to be a war council!” he said, in total disbelief. 

The team looked surprised. “What’s wrong?” the lead designer asked.

“What’s wrong?! The lighting is romantic! It looks like a French restaurant in here!” he said, holding his face in disbelief. He checked his watch. There was no time to correct it!

“Haven’t you ever lit a war council?” he said, still stunned.

“Well…” the designer trailed off. “I’m new to Thrones.”

“What did you work on before this?!” the director said, still shocked. 

The designer coughed and looked at the ground.

“Romantic comedies.”


	5. Chapter 5

Miguel was determined to not screw up the final shot of Jon and Sansa on the ramparts. He had already gotten a text from Daniel warning him to watch Kit around Sophie.

He decided he would have Kit hold the kiss until Miguel gave him a signal to stop. So far, it seemed to be working. He decided to do one last take for safety. 

“We have to trust each other,” he could hear through his headphones. The kiss started One Mississippi…

Miguel felt a vibration in his pocket. Fuck, his phone! He struggled to find it. Damn it, where was it? He groped through several layers of clothes and pockets that were shut by zippers. The phone kept buzzing. Finally, he got the the phone, which had gotten stuck in the lining of his jacket. He turned it off.

He looked up. Kit was still kissing Sophie’s forehead! He quickly gave the signal for him to stop. The rest of the scene was fine, except for the four second long forehead kiss. He debated doing it one last time, but decided they had enough takes before his phone had gone off.

(One month later in the HBO post production offices)

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S THE ONLY TAKE WE HAVE!”


	6. Chapter 6

Aiden Gillen scratched his head. 

He truly did not understand this scene. 

He, Kit Harington, and Mark Mylod were on the set for Winterfell’s crypts. They were in street clothes, rehearsing the scene before costume call.

Aiden knew that his character’s writing had been making less and less sense over the years, but this made even less sense than usual. He was first supposed to interrupt Jon Snow while he visited his father’s tomb, then bring up the woman who hated him as a boy, insult his military capabilities, and finally announce his love for Sansa. 

To be totally honest, he didn’t even understand why he was in this scene. It didn’t introduce any new information or move the plot forward. The scene could just have easily been Jon alone in the crypt, saying goodbye to his father before leaving. Wouldn’t Littlefinger’s time have been better spent at Sansa’s side, whispering about Jon’s foolish mission to Dragonstone?

Aiden tried to focus on the direction Mark was giving to Kit. 

“Okay, Kit: Petyr is testing you in this scene, and you keep it under control, until he brings up Sansa. That’s when you lose it. You turn, grab him, slam him against the wall, and threaten him,” the director coached. 

They casually rehearsed a few times, and then decided to go full energy.

The younger actor pinned him against the wall, his hand around his throat, applying pressure but in a controlled fashion. Suddenly, they weren’t in a dark crypt, but outside, in sunny Croatia. The face in front of him was suddenly that of Sean Bean. He suddenly realized why he was in the scene.

“Stop! Stop!” Aiden shouted. 

Kit backed away quickly. “Are you alright mate? Did I hurt you?” he asked, his puppy dog eyes wide with worry. 

“No, but don’t you see! This is the same scene! The exact same scene!” Aiden exclaimed. 

“As what?” Mylod asked, dumbfounded.

“Season one! Ned thinks Petyr is insulting him by saying Cat is in a brothel, so he forces him against the wall and threatens him! It’s exactly like this one!” he stated.

“Well, yeah, Aiden, that’s kind of the point, to build a parallel between Jon and Ned. Jon takes after who he believes is his father,” Mylod explained, as if he were explaining that water is wet. 

“Yes but Ned threatened me when he thought I offended his wife! Jon and Sansa are supposed to be siblings, it shouldn’t be the same reaction,” Aiden said.

“Well, Jon is very protective of Sansa,” Mylod said, as if he were explaining that fire is hot. 

“Don’t you understand!” Aiden said, grabbing his script. “My stage direction after I leave the crypt says ‘Baelish looks back and forth between Jon and Sansa as if he has just realized something!’”

Kit and Mark just stared at him. 

“Jon and Sansa are in love!”

There was a moment of silence.

Kit and Mark burst out laughing. 

“Oh, man, Aiden, that was a good one,” Kit chuckled.

“Incest, on Game of Thrones? Can you imagine?” Mark guffawed. 

They laughed for a few more moments before composing themselves. 

“Thanks Aiden, I needed that. Let’s get back to work,” Kit said amiably. 

Aiden sighed and returned to rehearsing the scene where Jon threatened Littlefinger–apparently for no reason at all.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the most blatantly anti-Jonerys chapter, so you've been warned!

It was a cold, rainy day on a Spanish beach and Matt Shakman was shouting directions to both the cast and the crew.

It was a tricky shot. The boat was on the edge of the water. Principles and extras had to be ready to push off into the cold water until they would cut. 

Matt tried not to think about the amount of money that went into every single shot of this show. He could have filmed an entire season of It’s Always Sunny for the cost of a few moments of Thrones. He stretched his arms, hoping to refresh his mind, and focused on the performance of two actors who were being paid a million dollars an episode.

He placed his hand on Emilia’s arm. She was so pretty.

“Okay, Emilia, so in this shot, you’re saying goodbye to Jon, and you’re realizing you might not see him again, so your feelings for him are really starting to hit you,” Matt said.

“Feelings for Jon, got it,” Emilia said, looking determined. What a pro.

Matt turned to Kit, placing a hand on his arm. He was so strong.

“And Kit, you’re really focused on the task ahead. So once the boat pushes off, you’re like, looking straight ahead, mentally bracing for this challenge,” Matt encouraged.

Kit look confused. Or was that just how he always looked? Matt couldn’t tell. 

Kit put his hand on Matt’s shoulder–oh wow he was super strong–and gestured for them to step aside.

“Right, Matt, that’s brilliant. I just wanted to check on something. I know it’s super secret–even though half of the internet knows–but I’m going to be having sex with Dany in the final episode, right?” Kit asked, his eyebrow arched. 

“Oh, yeah, totally,” Matt stated.

“Well, I guess….shouldn’t I at least look back at Dany? To show I’m thinking about her?” Kit suggested.

Matt hadn’t thought of that. But the script’s directions had been really clear. 

“Nope, just looking straight ahead, into the sea,” Matt said, double checking his clipboard.

“Right, right, of course…it’s just…when we filmed the scene where I left Winterfell, I looked back at Sophie, and she’s only my ‘sister,’” Kit said, using air quotes. 

Hmm. Matt hadn’t thought of that. This was a pickle. How could he motivate this actor to look straight ahead into a cold ocean rather than back at his love interest?

“So here’s the thing Kit, Jon thinks this mission will help Daenerys, so it’s all he’s thinking about. Jon is very single minded. He’s so focused on her, he can’t even look back at her. Did I mention I’ve directed It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia? Because I have,” he reassured the actor. 

“Oh, okay, I think I’ve got it,” Kit said, his adorable lips curling into a smile. 

Iain Glenn, who looked more like a Greek god than ever, had overheard the conversation, despite Kit’s best efforts at discretion.

“And what about me, boss? Should I only look forward, focused only on the mission to serve Daenerys?” he asked.

Matt laughed heartily. 

“Oh, dear god no. You look back at her as though she’s the most important thing in the world, and you can’t bear to leave her yet again. You look at her as if she were the sun setting on the Riviera, while a violinist plays the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard, and you’re afraid to look away, because if you do, the moment might end. You look at her as if she were strength and courage, and kindness and vulnerability, embodied by single person. You got all that?” the director asked. 

Iain just smiled. 

“Yes, I do.”


End file.
